You Are Stronger Than You Think
The Well Canto Newsletter Volume 28
Being human is a lot. Living life is challenging, to say the least. We don’t live in protective cocoons; we must engage with the world around us. But beyond ourselves, there is precious little over which we have much control.
The results of the presidential election last week are upsetting (understatement of the millennium). We don’t know how much our world will be turned upside down, and how many more people will needlessly suffer and die at the hands of the first American dictator. Perhaps most distressing is the inescapable knowledge that about half of our nation's citizenry is bigoted or ignorant, or both.
All I know at this point is that I cannot give into despair.
During the last 8 months my world was turned upside down by personal tragedy; my Mom and my two younger brothers passed away within a span of 6 months. It’s pushing my comfort level to air intimate details of my life, mostly because everyone has their own life to deal with, but also because I’m more of an ‘inward processor’. My point is I am stumbling lately and feel the urge to give up often. As it turns out that really isn’t an option when you have the good fortune to be connected to others here on earth. I also believe that living my life fully is how I can honor Dad, Mom, Sonny, Steve, and Ric (my entire natal family) while hopefully they all wait for me on the other side.
All of us organisms strive for a steady state (homeostasis) to function optimally. We react to our environment all day long and really, really try to avoid pain, upset, danger, or discomfort of any kind. Duh, right? But in fact that aim is an impossibility. Heartbreak, illness, and disappointment tend to find us at least as often as joy, well-being, and satisfaction. Even when we do pretty well with our own environment and inner thoughts, we must constantly face unskilled behavior from people who never developed self-regulation, let alone self-awareness.
The Three Sisters
In his play The Three Sisters, Anton Chekhov shows us that as long as people are fixated on what they do not have, happiness will be constantly beyond their reach. Although educated and privileged, none of Chekhov’s characters are able to change their lives for the better, thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of stasis and misery. I find the play to be both maddening and a five-alarm fire.
LEARNED HELPLESSNESS
Psychologists Martin E P Seligman and Steven F Maier pioneered the theory of Learned Helplessness in the late 1960s. The theory holds the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from a real or perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation. Learned Helplessness is a reaction to stressful events like abuse, neglect, and other trauma. I mention this here for the purpose of awareness. Bullies, domestic abusers, and authoritarians count on this type of response to further their aims. It is a complicated psychological state which cannot be explained in a few sentences, but knowing that it is a thing is useful.
Some characteristics of Learned Helplessness include:
low self-esteem
low motivation
low expectations of success
less persistence
not asking for help
ascribing a lack of success to a lack of ability
ascribing success to factors beyond our control, such as luck
SO, WHAT CAN WE DO?
TBH, I don’t know for sure. My instincts tell me that losing heart just can’t be it, and that love and creativity are powerful counter-balances to the cruelty and arrogance that surround us. We can learn optimism while we nurture our inner strength. This is a time for rigorous self-care, so let’s get specific about it:
Stick Together. Lean into our valued relationships. Take extra care to be kind and thoughtful to one another. Connect with friends. Stand strong against any more division and the destruction it causes. Similarly, take a break for a while (or forever) from the people in our lives that voted against our (and their, they will come to find out) interests. Do not allow toxic, deluded people to take up space in your brain and your heart. Each of us must maintain ALL of our resources.
Make Art. No matter your medium, engage now! Sing, play, write, draw, cook, craft, paint, compose, dance, imagine, dream. Also, listen to music instead of the news. Look at classic works of art. Watch great movies. Read. Take a break from media garbage.
Be in Nature. Check out what I wrote a while ago about Balms of Nature. It’s important.
Help Someone. There is much research on how taking compassionate action improves our own health. Kindness matters.
Practice Daily Gratitude. List 3 things for which you are grateful before you get out of bed each morning.
Practice Calm and Self-control. Aggression and panic weaken us.
Develop Meaning and Purpose. Discover our talents and invest in our skills.
Open Ourselves to New Experiences. Spend time with like-minded people and step out of our comfort zone. Get involved with something, somehow.
Accept that Things Change. See the big picture and tap the power of optimism.
Believe in Yourself. Resist adopting a victim mentality.
CLICHÉS ARE VALID
Fill your own cup so you have something to give to others. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Get good sleep and eat quality food. Hydrate. Keep energy vampires at a distance. Sometimes we get caught in a fight-against-time mindset and push through. This never really works out - we need our strength, before, during, and after events, projects, and endeavors.
MICRO-DOSING HOPE
After I sketched out this essay, I came across this post by the great Brené Brown who says everything so well:
November 8, 2024
“Despair is a claustrophobic feeling. It’s the emotion that says, ‘Nothing will ever change.’ It’s different than anger or sadness or grief. Despair is twinged with hopelessness.
People who ascribe to power-over leadership often weaponize despair. They count on people giving up on themselves, their work, and each other. I get it. I’m looking at people I know with suspicion. I’m questioning the value of my work. I’m wondering if courage, kindness, and caring for each other simply don’t matter anymore. I’m desperate for someone to blame because blame is an effective way to discharge pain and it gives us a sense of counterfeit control.
The research shows that hope is a powerful antidote to despair. What’s interesting, however, is that hope is not an emotion (C.R. Snyder). Hope is a cognitive-behavioral process. It’s about having a goal, a pathway to achieve that goal, and a sense of agency or, ‘I can do this.’
Right now, the thing that is helping the most is micro-dosing hope. I have no access to big hope right now, however, I am asking myself how I can support the people around me. The people on my team, in my community. How can I make sure that, in the maelstrom of my emotions, I stay committed to courage, kindness, and caring for others, regardless of the choices made by others? Doing the smallest next right thing is hard AF but sometimes it’s all we’ve got.”
Truth be told, I’ve always held the self-image of being just a tad too soft in a world that contains so much harshness. But I now know that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. You are, too.
May you live in ease and kindness, with a free heart.
Absolutely beautiful piece in so many ways. 💙