Right On Time
…and we have more power than we think
“I didn’t study this in high school. I'm so far behind the others, I’ll never catch up! ”
H. - aged 20
“I was always told I’d be some sort of star, and I’m nothing. Everything I do is a failure.”
T. - aged 26
“There is so much going on; I can’t keep up. I’m drowning.”
B. - aged 41
“I’m worried I haven’t done enough with my life, and now time is running out.”
E. - aged 64
The statements above are from real people in my life - students and clients - and it breaks my heart. The vibe of disillusion and despair is palpable these days. Truth be told, I also fall into this way of thinking from time to time…
What is going on?
To get the obvious out of the way, let’s acknowledge the current climate of utter chaos, corruption, and cruelty that is reaching even the most unplugged among us. Many are giving in to their mean-spirited impulses and taking out their frustrations on total strangers and close loved-ones alike. No wonder we feel like life is happening to us, with little of our input and none of our control.
But I have great news! We are right on time, and we have more power than we think.
So, let’s explore. When we believe that:
1) life happens to us,
2) time is running short,
3) we have little or no control,
We are buying into the Disempowerment Narrative, and possibly displaying a Fixed Mindset.
(Are you holding your breath? Breathe in deeply, and release with a long sigh.)
With a Fixed Mindset we believe that our abilities, talents, intelligence, etc, are innate, or fixed traits. We are ‘born this way’ and we cannot significantly change the cards we were dealt. With this belief we give up easily, avoid challenges, and see effort as meaningless.
By contrast, a Growth Mindset is the understanding that our abilities and talents can be developed through persistent effort and learning. Challenges and mistakes are viewed as opportunities to learn and grow. Instead of attaching to a specific outcome, we dig in to the process and along the way develop tenacity and resilience. Each success inspires and motivates us.
Disempowerment Narrative is a broader view of our own and others agency within a larger context, such as social structures, societal expectations, and personal experiences. Contributing to a sense of helplessness, it may lead to passive acceptance of negative outcomes - like we can't change things, and are being victimized.
The great news here is that all beliefs are just thoughts repeated until they are internalized. Yes, we have the power to change our own beliefs. Even if our current beliefs were taught to us from an early age, we can opt for new thought patterns.
“Your greatest fears are created by your imagination. Don’t give in to them.”
– Winston Churchill
Control is Not Power
Controlling everything and everyone in our lives is not only impossible, it’s exhausting! To burn ourselves out by attempting a task with no hope of success is the opposite of power, and is the very thing that leads to feeling hopeless, weak, and overwhelmed. Our job is to pay attention to ourselves, our own lives, and our preferences. A Truth For All Time is that we cannot control other people or what they think. Nor can we control circumstances, so let’s stop wasting precious energy trying!
Shifting our mindset takes awareness, concentration, and practice.
How To
Find it within. What does this mean? When we calm our nervous system (learn about Stress Response, Cognitive Distortions, and Inherent Worth in this article), we allow for the opportunity to shift our focus from the external to the internal (remember, that’s all we can control). Each of us has within us the resources we need to thrive.
Don’t give your power away. Who is in the driver seat? You and your preferences, your habitual negative thoughts, or others expectations? Which do you prefer?
Compare and Despair. Don’t go there. When we compare ourselves - abilities, progress, etc - we are doing so with insufficient data. One can rarely know all the details of another’s journey. The stories we tell ourselves are rarely true.
Utilize negative feelings like frustration, overwhelm, and anxiety. Remember that negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, and all feelings have energy behind them. We can use that energy to serve us by redirecting it toward positive action.
Fuck it Principle. "The Fuck-It Philosophy" isn't just about throwing caution to the wind; it's a strategic approach to life that balances boldness with mindfulness. It's about making choices that truly resonate with you, not what society dictates.” (from the book’s Amazon page)
Let Them, Let Me Theory. Author and wellness coach Mel Robbins reworks the “Let it Go” idea in an inspirational way. Here is a Rich Roll interview to get the gist. https://www.richroll.com/podcast/mel-robbins-901/
Detach from outcomes. This is admittedly a tough one that requires a big mind shift and a lot of practicing. We must teach ourselves to approach all processes with curiosity and playfulness - like practicing, writing a paper, or organizing our living space - rather than with judgment or resentment.
Another way to say this is, Manage Actions, Not Consequences.
Here is your job each day:
Adhere to a pattern of action that you know will produce results when followed consistently.
As an exercise, go back and read the four quotes at the top of this article. Can you identify instances of fixed mindset, compare and despair, disempowerment narrative, trying to control external factors, or staying stuck in a stress response? How would you counsel these people now that you’ve explored some of these ideas?
Right On Time
You are not late and you haven’t missed anything, because there is no finish line. There are no progress checks along the way. No one gets a gold star at the end of their life for doing all the things.
What do you prefer to feel on a daily basis?
What thoughts generate that feeling?
How will you turn habitual thoughts into a growth mindset?
How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. - Annie Dillard
May you live in ease and kindness, with a free heart.
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Singing lessons with Barbara: www.WAVS.info
Well Coaching with Barbara: www.BarbaraShirvisWellness.com
Fantastic! As always...